When Keaton Arrived

November 20, 2007 - Tuesday

Okay, so the boys have songs. They probably don't recognize these songs as their own, but they are.

Tucker's song is Tiny Dancer - but the Tim McGraw version. When I was pregnant with him, I was addicted to the Tim McGraw and The Dancehall Doctors cd, and I remember him kicking to Tiny Dancer. It just kind of became his after that. When I hear it, I always think of him, which is just fun.

Keaton's song is "Sweet Baby James," by James Taylor. Keke's middle name is James, and he's named after my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law died just two weeks before Keaton was born. I think Trey and I both knew that we would make his middle name after James - whom we loved very much, but we didn't talk about it until right before he was born. (Trey can probably correct me if I'm wrong.)

Anyway, the three weeks before Keaton's birth were probably the saddest three weeks of our lives. It's painful even now to think of it. Those four Barrett kids without a dad here on earth - it's just wrong - wrong. I kept thinking that Keaton's arrival would be it - the one thing we all needed to feel joy again.

Then he came. What an easy labor that was (and much shorter than Tuck, too ). I wanted the world to be right again - the whole death to birth, circle of life thing kept going through my head. The problem was, we were all still pretty sad.

Then I became obsessed. I was determined that this little boy's entrance into the world would not be marked with tears and sadness. I avoided the "if only he'd met his namesake" conversation like the damn plague. I wanted his infancy to be marked with only good thoughts.
Guess what? It didn't happen. The sadness seeped into everything for a while. We felt James's absence almost as much as we felt Keaton's presence. His life (Keaton's) became almost a competition to overcome the tears that we all still cried. I felt worse about the whole thing.

Then Keaton got his song. He became my Sweet Baby James. I don't think I ever thought of my brother-in-law when I heard that song - just my sweet baby. I know it's melodramatic, and even sickenly sappy, but it's like the dark clouds disappeared.

The result is the most joyous person I've ever known - Keaton James. Every day is a party, every song is good enough to dance to, every joke is funny. Every now and then, he'll just sit still and let me hold him and remember what he gave to us. He reminds me that the joy is - was - always there - it is God-breathed and nothing can ever keep it away. The funny thing is that THAT reminds me of my brother-in-law, James.

Rock a bye sweet baby James...