Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Spring Break Mom of the Year

I have been a good mom this spring break. For real. I made throw pillows and cupcakes, cleaned out the garage, took two hikes at a local park and took the kids geocaching twice (okay, one of the hikes was also one of the geocaching things, so I guess I'm double dipping...whatever), started Keaton's quilt, went to TWO Aggie baseball games with the boys, and even bought and arranged new fake flowers in the living room. I'm practically a sitcom.

When I learned that it was supposed to rain all day today I promptly decided that I would be lazy as long as possible. I managed to stay in bed until 1:30 p.m. It was like college (college for people who didn't work full time in college, not my college, but whatever). I did get up to go buy the boys donuts (another reason I'm the mom of the year), but rather than getting dressed I just put a jacket on over my pajamas and went through the drive thru. I got up one other time to heat up a slice of leftover pizza which I then ate in my bed.   I saw Jennifer Garner cry on the Today Show and Michael Strahan get all uncomfortable when Erin Andrews said borderline inappropriate things as his guest host. I played Candy Crush. I read Scary Mommy blogs, including this plea for women to sit when they pee and the hilarious Ten Things I Want to Say to My Gynecologist. I watched a few episodes of my new favorite show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It was fantastic.

Until the darn sun came out.

"It's not raining!  Let's go geocaching again!"

I was kind of starting to get a headache from all of the blood in my body being at laying down level for so many hours, so after they begged for five minutes (or maybe 45 minutes, I wasn't really paying attention), I decided to pull myself out of bed and defend my self-imposed title of Spring Break Mom of the Year.

We got on our bikes (first time for me since last fall) and went in search of treasures. That's when I immediately found myself in the movie Stand By Me, and I was not one of the cool kids like Will Wheaton or River Phoenix who I'm pretty sure I loved when I was ten. Only I'm not sure if there were bikes in Stand By Me so maybe I'm thinking of The Sandlot. Whatever. It was like I was being initiated into a bike gang by my kids.

They constantly darted in and out and around each other almost crashing. One of them whipped over in front of me and slammed on his brakes. The other one almost took out my spokes with the pegs on his bike. They weaved and circled and sped. My only other group riding experiences are 1) with my favorite girls where we casually ride and chit chat and enjoy the sunshine and breeze and zen of the world, and 2) at the Spa Girl Tri where the women would kindly say "on the left" as they approached and cheer for you if they passed you, shouting encouraging, affirming words. But these boys...these boys were doing some sort of rough housing on bikes and didn't even know it was happening.

After I finally caught my breath, I said in the most demanding voice I could muster, "You guys cannot keep doing that!  It's not safe at all!"

Keaton replied with a roll of his eyes, "Mom, This is what we always do."

That did not make me feel better.

We hunted for several geocaches. First, we stopped at the park and pretty quickly found one that was not easy. I was pretty impressed with us. Then we moved on to one that is allegedly at the front of our subdivision (near the lions), and I made the boys give up because cars were flying through the castle so fast that it made me nervous.

(Yes, we live in a subdivision whose entrance is guarded by giant stone lions and you have to drive through a castle to enter. It's beyond ridiculous.)

Then we went to the back of our neighborhood and met up with my niece, and the four of us wandered on foot through the mud to what I'm certain was the right location but we never found the item. Then we headed home, but included a quick rest stop at the fountains. We sat under the pavilion, sun shining, breeze blowing. It was idyllic.

Then Tucker started ramming Keaton's bike with his front tire. Keaton asked him to stop. He didn't. Keaton yelled at him to stop. He didn't. I finally told him to "STOP IT!" and he replied with "I did stop, and then started again. And then I stopped again. And then I started again" all while ramming the bike to the rhythm.

And so I took his bike and threw it into the pond. Not really.

I asked which way they wanted to go home, and Tucker left. Keaton wanted to take the sidewalk, so he and I headed that direction. Tucker was far off the other way when he noticed that we were not following him. He pantomimed something like "Why aren't all of you following me? I'm twelve now so I'm totally in charge of this family and everyone should just do exactly what I want without questioning me."

I pantomimed back "Your brother and I are going this way and you can go how ever you want and I'll see you at home and you are not the boss of me."

Then Keaton and I pedaled home. About halfway, he started repeating, "My back is hurting so much." and "Ouch! My back!'

I ignored him as long as I could and finally took the bait, "What's wrong with your back?"

"I slept on a basketball. Long story."

And that was the end of it. Totally normal, right?

Anyway, today I made my mom effort, and now I've even checked my email for the one time per day I've allowed myself over Spring Break which should be for bonus points or something. I just made some delicious Vermont maple and sea salt popcorn from Quinn Popcorn, and I'm getting back in bed. I have more Kimmy Schmidt to watch.

And I think I see a rain cloud.