Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Awful Has Happened

Yes, that's right. Awful.

Tonight at the annual Welcome to the Jungle event, I was discussing the various English course offerings with a parent. Then, out of nowhere, one of my very favorite people from two banks ago (thanks, Trey) sweetly interrupted the parent to say hello to me. It was one of those things where she just had to stop and give me a hug, and I was so glad she did because I just love her.

Sidebar - I've gained about fifteen pounds since school started. To admit to the blog-world that I have gained fifteen pounds in five and a half months is a big step, except that I think about five pounds of it is in my face which makes it no big secret. The other ten have made themselves comfortable right around my midsection which precludes me from wearing many of the clothes in my closet. I mostly wear colors that are good on me in "blousy" or 'drape-y" kinds of styles to cover my expansion. I know it doesn't really work, but at least I'm making the effort, okay? On the up side, if I weighed 500 pounds and gained 15 it probably wouldn't be noticeable. I've decided to take The Awful as a testimony to my former fitness and be done with it.

Do you see where this is going? Here's how it went down.

Sweet girl says, "I'm so sorry to interrupt you but I have got to give this girl a hug!" Then she reaches across the table, hugs me, steps back, and gives her tummy a little pat. Yep. She did it. It was a "so there's another little baby coming along, huh?" kind of pat.

In front of my friends and a random freshman parent I don't know.

After calling special attention from everyone around us about the fact that we were old friends catching up.

Oh, the horror of it all!

So, I thought this would be an appropriate time to cover the best reaction to give a person who asks if you're pregnant when, in reality, you've just packed on a few.

Option #1: Punch her in the face. Now, this is not a recommended option, especially if this is a person you really like as in my case. However, I'm certain that when the cops show up and you explain the situation, their response will be something like, "Oh you poor thing! I'm just glad you didn't kill her! That color looks great on you, by the way." So I suppose if you harbor a strong dislike for this person and/or she is incredibly skinny, the face-punching could work.

Option #2: Cry. Sob. Fall down in the floor and weep. In this case, the offender will probably try to comfort you to no avail and then slowly back away in embarrassment. While this option will call more attention to the situation at hand, you can be sure that the offender will never do that again. Additionally, someone near you will likely say, "That color looks great on you, by the way!" Compliments are always good.

Option #3: Be cool. This is the option I chose to try. However, I am decidedly not cool, so I'm not so sure it worked. I nonchalantly flipped my hand in the air and said, "No girl, I'm just fat. Those two boys keep me busy enough!" Then I turned back to the stunned parent, fumbled for words that were somehow related to what we had been talking about likely made me sound like a complete idiot. I figured acting like it was no big deal might keep everyone around me from wanting to crawl under the table.

Then I turned to my friends standing around me, commented on the awkwardness of the situation and moved on. Basically, it sucked.

If you're looking for me on Monday afternoon, I'll be walking laps around the high school. Next time you see me tell me I look skinny.


T. Rutherford said...

Hilarious as usual, Stormy! I'll be walkin' with you!

April said...

Oh my goodness...lots of out loud laughter...or "I loled" as Erin says. I, too, shall join yall with the laps. I should also do some bleachers over at the football field.

Carol said...

We can put her on the list for Trey's truck if you like. The list is growing! People better watch out!