or, as an alternate title, 5 Things that Suck.
I've been complaining today. It's gotten bad enough that I told several people I'm going to stop complaining for the rest of the day, but then I didn't. So I decided to get it out of my system by creating this list of five things worth complaining about:
1) Sugar Free Jelly Bellies. They're just awfulness masquerading as a healthier alternative. Once you realize you're chewing on gobs of nothing with sweet and low mixed in, you kind of have to gag.
2) When grades are due eighteen hours and fifteen minutes after the end of the six weeks. Really? I mean, really? Let's say on the weekend you were totally caught up - everything graded (yes, we're pretending. I realize that a teacher is never actually finished grading). Anyway, Monday and Tuesday are good, productive class days, and suddenly you have 2 assignments times 130 kids (for some teachers) that must be graded in eighteen hours and fifteen minutes. During that time you must also feed your kids, make their lunches for the next day, give them baths, consider getting some sleep, and teach 1st, 2nd, and 3rd periods. Is this humanly possible? I'm gonna go with no. Major suckage.
3) When you realize your fat pants are now your normal pants and you need new, larger, fat pants. How does this happen? It's like I'm a perfectly normal size I'll never put in print, and then suddenly I realize I've expanded. Could changes in atmospheric pressure cause this? Do I need medical attention for my swelling? Perhaps the cafeteria lady is sabotaging my balanced meal by secretly tossing a vat of butter into my spicy chicken sandwich. Maybe the people at the cleaners hate me because I always use my teacher discount so they shrink all my clothes by a centimeter every time I take them in. No matter the culprit, fat pants becoming normal pants is something to complain about.
4) Haagen Dazs Creme Brulee ice cream. This delicious treat should be illegal because it is very much like crack - if crack had a delicious caramelized sugar mixed into a frozen, creamy custard, that is. At 280 calories per serving (that's 1,120 calories in a pint - not that I'd ever consider eating a whole pint), it's like opening up your thighs with a butter knife and packing them full of cream cheese kolaches until your skin won't stretch anymore. (I'm certain this has nothing to do with the fat pants to normal pants problem, by the way.)
5) Visits to the eye doctor. Did you know that they actually touch your eyeball when you go there? They put drops in your eyes and tap, tap, tap with the pressure checker thingy and then shine ungodly wattages of light into your eyes and then ask things like "Which line is the clearest?" Hey doc, I can't see a thing because you've just blinded me with that ridiculous light. If you wanted me to see something you should have asked me before you tapped on my eyeball. Did you have to go to school to learn how to do this or just spend a week in a Afghanistan torture chamber?
So there ya go. Need to get any complaining out of your system? This is the place! I'm sure there are others things worth complaining about I've left out, so feel free to add your own.