Why you shouldn't watch "Half Ton Dad"

I was relaxing on the couch on New Year's Day, thinking I should go to the gym, watching "Half Ton Teen" on The Learning Channel. I love watching other people and their problems, including "Half Ton Dad," "Hoarders," and "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," my personal favorite and great fodder for E's "The Soup" (perhaps the funniest show on tv).

Anyway, I was watching the half ton teen whine because he wanted some chocolate milk or something while his mom cried because all she wanted to do was give him chocolate milk, not kill him with chocolate milk, and Tucker came in from outside. He asked what I was watching, and I explained the premise of the show. He sat down with me and watched the last five minutes, and was still sitting there when "Half Ton Dad" began. In the teaser for the show, there was a surgery where they literally cut off seventy pounds of a guy's stomach. This was both riveting and disgusting, and I watched until Trey came in and said "I don't think I can watch this."

Honestly, I don't enjoy watching surgeries either, but some secret part of me believes that if one of the boys wants to be a doctor he needs to not have a weak stomach, so I try to act like hacking off a person's stomach, etc., is not a big deal.

If either of them is a surgeon, however, it will definitely be Keaton. Tucker gets all squirmy with shots, and I see Keaton as much more likely to say, "Sure! I'd love to cut you open and move some things around to see if it makes you feel better! Hop up on the table, dude, and let's get started!"

I digress.

After the stomach-hacking-off, Tucker crinkled his face all up at the gross-ness, and then said, "Mom, have you ever had your stomach cut open?"

Me: No way!
Tucker: Never? You've never had your stomach cut open?
Me: Nope, and I hope I never have to.
Tucker: The doctor didn't cut it open to get me and Keaton out?
Me (seeing where this is going): Um...no?
Tucker: Then how did we get out?

Now I've had this conversation with Tucker in my head before, and I've always known I would just be very clinical in my explanations. I wondered why I hadn't yet ordered a book to keep for this moment, knowing I could just give him the book and answer any questions he comes up with, praying that he doesn't google anything.

But I wasn't daunted by my lack of book. He likes facts, and I knew I could give him the facts in a mature way and be done with this uncomfortable conversation. I channeled a friend or two who actually uses the scientific terms to identify body parts, and got ready for a conversation that would be simple for him but well, sweaty for me.

And then I looked at Trey, who wasn't listening. A little desperate, I said, "Trey, Tucker just asked if they had to cut my stomach open to get him and Keaton out."

I'm pretty sure his response was a grunt and a head turn in the other direction. I could hear him saying in his head, "He asked you, so good luck!"

I worked myself up to look all nonchalant and I went over scientific names for body parts in my head, and then I jumped in.

Me: Do you really want to know because it's kind of gross.
Tucker:Yeah, tell me.
Me: Okay, you know how girls and boys have different body parts down there?
Tucker: Yeah.
Me: Well, babies come out of the girl parts.
Tucker: Really?
Me: Yep
Tucker: Are they all bloody and stuff?
Me: Yep
Tucker: Yeah, that is gross.

And there you have it. The highlights of my anatomically correct, mature conversation about childbirth was highlighted with the words "gross," "girl parts," and "down there." I hope I haven't traumatized him forever.

I hope I've traumatized him enough to ask his dad next time.