This One's for the Girls

It's not for the urban dictionary definition of "the girls," but it is about them. It's actually for the girls (as in opposite of boys) because they will understand.

There is a menace preying on the women of our society. As summer approaches, this nuisance becomes more and more stealth. Ladies, we are all potential victims, and it's time someone took action.

I hereby propose the creation of WASBS. Women Against Sweaty Bras. You know you want to join.

Sweaty bras are disgusting. On the chart of disgusting things, they fall somewhere between spit cups and toe nail clippings. What's worse is that until now we've been helpless.

We've dressed in our nicest business attire and spent days at work contributing to society, and in the walks from our buildings to our cars we've been assaulted. We've done grocery shopping for our families, working diligently to get an even mix of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, only to find ourselves sitting in cars full of groceries with nasty, sticky bras cutting off our air supplies. Even a cool breeze can't defeat SBS because of the protection offered by the shirt or blouse. Until now there has been no hope.

But now, with your help, the WASBS will find a solution. Women across the world will band together and never wear bras again! We will accept our figures as they are and no longer suffer in order to make ourselves conform to the body shape levied on us by society!

Okay, we're not going to do that.

WASBS will go to the party who is truly responsible for this problem -- the government! We shall petition Congress to provide an SBS stimulus package for all women over age 25. Researchers must be enlisted to create sweat-free bras that can be worn with dress clothes (not just those sports bras that make you look like a man). Doctors should get tax deductions for performing breast augmentations at no charge, so women can then go bra-free and never have to suffer from SBS again. Honestly, would you prefer to have to sleep on your back for the rest of your life or to live with drippy, stinky sweat in your bra? The answer is obvious - we all know stomach-sleepers are losers anyway.

As we reach temperatures close to one hundred degrees here in late spring, now is the time for action. Join me, women of the world, in fighting this terrible, disgusting disease. Don't leave the solution to our daughters and granddaughters! The time is now.

I think I'm starting to perspire.