The Posterboard

Well, crap.

I was faced with my worst nightmare: a blank white posterboard that I was supposed to "decorate to reflect Keaton's time at Longmire." The major problem was that it was blank and I had to decorate it. I hate to decorate things. It's why I can't be an elementary school teacher -- I am automatically disqualified by my inability to make clever and cute bulletin boards.

For the first few days, I let the posterboard sit on the dining room table, staring up at me with its incredible blankness, mocking my lack of craftiness. Keaton wanted to start coloring it with random crayons right away, but I convinced him we needed a plan. Tucker, the King of Plans, immediately got some paper and began to sketch possible configurations of the poster's design.

I knew that if I decorated that poster, it would look like I had turned a herd of two year olds loose on the thing. It actually occurred to me, somewhere in the evil parts of my soul, to let the dog pee on it, then splatter on some grape jelly, and glue on a couple of pictures of my little man and call it "art." I envisioned myself explaining to everyone at graduation how it was "an exact replica of a very expensive piece I saw when I took the boys to Paris last summer because they were just begging to visit all the great galleries." I figured my "art" would probably smell, so I quickly ditched the plan.

Finally, it hit me. I don't have to be crafty. I just have to know crafty people. I quickly dialed my friend Tiffany to beg a favor. We agreed that Friday after school we'd make a trip to the local craft store together (I couldn't be trusted to go alone), and then she would come over with her amazing box of crafting gear and make the poster.

At the craft store, Keaton picked out some construction stickers and then we began looking for paper. The stickers had yellow on them, so I suggested some orange paper I found. Gently, Tiffany admonished me, "The orange won't provide any contrast, though. We need some blue, maybe."

Yep. I can't even pick out paper.

After the craft store, we went to the local liquor...er...I mean, specialty...store to pick up a nice bottle of red wine and some cheesy appetizers. I had to contribute something to this effort, after all.

And for the next two hours Tiffany cut, trimmed, stickered, corner thingy-ed, and otherwise created the world's most awesome pre-school graduation poster. I sat calmly nearby, enjoying my wine and providing what I'm certain was the world's most intriguing conversation.

On Monday, when I proudly took the poster to school, everyone was amazed at my artistic abilities. People all over the building ooohh'ed and aahhh'ed and I'm sure were terribly jealous of Keaton's poster.

I, of course, responded with, "This ol' thing? It was nothing. It took me no time at all!"