I have many things in my head. If you've known me for long you know the way I get them out is that I write them down. I suppose sharing them with the world is a bit self-indulgent, but the English teacher in me believes that writing has the power to help others, connect them, lift them up, make them laugh, and on an on. So allow me to both get my personal version of therapy and to self-indulge.
This morning I cried in church. I haven't done that in a very long time. The running joke in our house has that I always cry in church and Trey worries that people will think it's all his fault for making me cry. But church has been weird since we left our church of over 20 years for a different church, then moved to a new town and have dabbled in finding a church home.
But today, I'm baaacckkk! I cried for absolutely no reason and for all the reasons in the world.
And now for the things in my head.
This is our first Christmas to not live in College Station since 1998, but we still have our CS house and may still have Christmas there this year. Where do I decorate? How much effort do I want to put in to the house where my 20-something boys live? How do we celebrate the Christmas season when it's just Trey and me? Don't get me wrong, we like each other a whole bunch and will have a great time, but it's weird and different and sitting on my heart a little bit.
Trey's job is weird. The bank he worked for sold, and then two weeks later sold again. He's still driving to Bryan for work each day. He has a good job, and we're thankful. But it feels weird and different and uncertain.
Two and half years ago my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. They told him he probably had 2-5 years left. Now, two and half years in, he's doing pretty well, all things considered. But it hovers. And as much as it hovers for me I know it hovers for my mom even more. Just sitting there. Hovering.
I know the Hickmans are technically my in-laws, but they are my family and have been for over half my life. My sweet mother-in-law is not in good health. We always have hope for her future, but we recognize that this world is not all there is and we collectively do not want her to suffer. We all wake up with that reality every day. Just there drifting in the air around us.
Poor, poor Stormy, right?
Nope.
I'm determined to NOT treat these holidays as "What if they are our last? (sad face)" but instead treat them as "What if they are our last! (LET'S GO face)"
Over the last two years Trey and I have had a chance to be happy, healthy empty nesters living our grand adventure. With all the good and bad of life that hovers around, we've worked really hard to say the thing out loud, whatever it is. We're both suck-it-up and power-through kind of folks, so speaking aloud the things that are heavy while also celebrated the silly fun things is well, growth for us both. Somehow saying the thing takes away its power to bring us down. And I like it.
We are 48 and 58 (I'm younger, in case you didn't know) and have all four of our parents. That's remarkable! Many, many people don't get the chance to watch their parents get old. We talk of wanting to "parent" them and how they don't listen, and we laugh about how our kids will want to do that to us someday, God willing.
And it's Thanksgiving! And Christmas! And the Aggies are winning! I love all of those things so much!
Back to crying in church.
There were two scriptures this morning. One was the familiar "woman at the well" from the New Testament and the other was Isaiah 41: 17-20:
“The poor and needy search for water,but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the Lord will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together,
so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it."
Life. All of life - all of it - was created by the Lord. And he gives abundantly even when hard things come. The preacher noted that he didn't just give the poor and needy a sip of water, he made rivers flow and turned the desert into pools! As we heard those words I felt so peaceful and hopeful and joyful!
Now I sit here on a Sunday morning writing this down. After going to church, Trey made me breakfast. I've meal planned for the week, ordered groceries, paid some bills, and he's off washing my car. We might have an afternoon cocktail or a nap later. We'll make dinner and enjoy the sunshine. Just a regular Sunday in a great God-given life.
That's it. I am saying the thing out loud - there's some really crappy stuff happening around us. And in the midst of that, all around us, rivers are flowing and trees are growing and God, who never forsakes us, continues to give us joy.
Joy. Not just hovering, but entrenched around us.
