My 49th Year

 I will turn 49 in a couple of weeks. In case you were wondering, that's almost 50. Geez.

I've been thinking of my upcoming birthday a lot more than I usually do. Mostly because I remember I'm going to be 49 and my brain makes this face:

Additionally, spring can be a stressful time in the school business, so I sat down tonight thinking I should write a little for a creative outlet. But I'm tired and can't think of a clever thing to say. So I googled writing prompts, and the first one was "What would you say to your 18 year old self?" This made me think of two things: 

1) What I would say to my 18 year old self (for obvious reasons).

2) Things that I might should be ashamed of as a practically 49 year old human person but am absolutely not ashamed of.

Regarding topic #1 I would say this:

Girl. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Be comfortable in your own skin. Also, maybe crazy hair days are to remind you that you're not actually in control of most things and that sometimes a little chaos can be fun. Which reminds me... have fun. And you'll always feel good about yourself if you're honest and good to people. Oh - and you're a terrible liar, so go ahead and decide to use that as your superpower. And you'll never believe what is going to happen in your life. It's epic!  

Regarding topic #2 - things I should probably be ashamed of but am not:

I am influenced by TikTok and I like it. Case in point:

• I make TikTok recipes all the time. 
• I'm sold on eating an excessive amount of protein. 
• I bought this glider exercise thing because I can work out while I'm watching TV (and we all know how super work-outy I am!). 
• I am led to believe that Mercury in retrograde really does affect my mood. 
• BookTok is a blessing and a curse because I find lots of books I might like and I also will aggressively judge any creator who says that Yellowface is one of their favorite books. 
• I will gladly scroll past videos that are more than one minute because that is just too much for my attention span in leisure time. 

I will absolutely default to my pajamas. Let's say I get home from work around six and know I'm not leaving the house. I can change into shorts and t-shirt for a few hours and then change into my pajamas after that, or I can just go straight for the PJs. At my age, I should probably have some expensive athleisure to wear around the house. But why go to all the trouble? It's PJs for me.

I tried something new with my makeup (that I learned on TikTok, of course). I had to watch the video again every day for a long time to make sure I was doing it right, so I found myself getting ready for work by following a TikTok. This should be embarrassing because I am practically 49 years old and should know how to do my makeup. But if you've seen me lately and thought "Wow! Her jawline is snatched!" then now you know why. 

Also, I just used the word "snatched" and I really hope I used it correctly in my almost-old-age and didn't just say something offensive. 

I love puzzles. I do all of the NYTimes puzzles every day and usually have a real-life jigsaw puzzle that I'm working on. My goal is to get the Mini Crossword in less than 30 seconds. It's very grandma-ish, but I care not. 

I brag to my friends about sleeping all night long. When it happens, it's a flex. 

I find myself completely unable to see without my readers. Completely. As a result, I often shamelessly saying "I can't see that at all" in random situations, such as the checkout line or when someone shows me something on their phone. I knew I'd probably have this happen to me someday, but NOW seems a little too soon. 

I'm sure there are many more things I shouldn't admit to at my age, but this will do for now. 

49 sounds old.

The end. 

The World Kind of Sucks Right Now, or (as an alternate title), Three

Here's what's in my brain.

The world kind of sucks. 

It's hard for me to say that because I believe I am an eternal optimist. I work really hard to find the good in all situations, primarily because I believe there is good in every situation because God is in control. But lately I feel inundated with the fact that the world sucks.

Politics above all else. Capitalism is bad. Socialism is bad. Christians are bad. Everyone who isn't Christian is bad. Everyone who disagrees with me is bad. Everyone who doesn't think like me is bad. No one is doing enough to fix things. All of the bad stuff is because of someone else and their wrong-ness. 

On and on and on and on. 

It's been kind of getting to me.

I have a tattoo of the number three on my right wrist. I had been saying I was going to get it for years, and then I finally did last year in Nashville over Christmas. My Mr. Hickman is the third, so it started there. It was a kind of re-commitment to our marriage, I suppose, as we embarked on a whole new world of empty-nesting, changes, and being brave with our lives. 

Sidebar: Trey also got a tattoo that December. It says "la tormenta" - "The Storm" - and I love it!

But three is significant to me in other ways, too. I always say that I have three Hickman boys who are my world (Trey, Tucker, and Keaton), so it reminds me that family is most important in life. And reason #3 (haha) is that sometimes I need to be reminded that I am third - God, others, self. I do my best to choose to be number three, although my success rate is often debatable.

(Leave it to me to overthink something cool and possibly impulsive like getting a tattoo.)

Anyway, I walked into our sweet little Methodist church on Sunday feeling joyful. I love church with Trey, and we have a three day weekend so life was good. I had taken the fact that the world sucks and tucked it into a little box and decided not to think about it.

The sermon was about Psalm 23. The Lord is my Shepherd and all that jazz. You know it. It was familiar and comforting and fit my mood perfectly. Just happily attending church on a cold Sunday of a three day weekend. 

Then it happened.

Pastor Dave wrapped it up with this point:

We all know (or at least church people do) that Psalm 23 tells us that God is our comfort in difficult times. But what about those times when life is good? What is our job when we aren't in the "valley of the shadow of death" but just out here in the world? Maybe it's our job to be comfort and safety for those who ARE in the valley. 

Not just our job, but our privilege. (I added that part to the sermon in my head.)

I noticed the three on my wrist as the sermon wrapped up, and I remembered that I should be third. 

And now back to where this started. The world kind of sucks right now. 

I loathe and despise all things politics. This entry very deliberately takes no sides, and while some may criticize me for that it's where I am. Rather, I choose to see things this way: 

When someone is hurting, it's my privilege to comfort them. 

When someone is disrespected or treated poorly, it is my privilege to stand up for them. 

When someone lacks opportunity, it is my privilege to help them find it. 

It's not political. It's what makes me human, Christian, mom, wife, educator. But my success rate is often debatable. 

In so many ways and so many areas, it feels like I can't do enough because if I were doing enough, it wouldn't still feel like the world kind of sucks. 

But y'all. I can't be the Shepherd. That's not my job. 

My job is to be a really good sheep. And when my fellow sheep need me, I can be there for them as an ambassador of the Shepherd. And that's not only enough, it's a privilege. 

A privilege to be third. 

May we all continue to get better at it.